What's for Dinner? The bitter taste of infidelity...

Do Not Sing the Praises of the OW and Your Time With Her

2009-06-25T14:30:00.005-06:00

I struggled with whether I should put up Governor Sanford’s mea culpa press conference, or Craig Ferguson’s humorous take on the affair. In the end, what offended me the most about Sanford’s plea, was the fondness with which he spoke of his mistress. And because his behavior was deceitful, hypocritical, and an indicate appalling abandonment of critical thinking, and just plain bad judgment, Ferguson’s monologue is what the governor’s got coming. Ferguson applauded Sanford’s wife for not standing by her “douchebag,” and I do, too.

Anybody who’s been cheated on adopts a first order of protection, now made famous by Elizabeth Edwards, and that is you don’t use her name. At least Clinton called her “that woman”. But beyond even that pain-saving, face-saving bit of decorum, you absolutely don’t refer to her as a “dear, dear friend”, nor do you publicly show remorse for hurting the other woman. You may feel that remorse, but you keep it to yourself for the sake of the wife and the kids. They don’t need to hear about the intimacy or the heartbreak between the one who betrayed, their husband and father, and this strange woman who has landed in the middle of their idealized family. Really bad form, Governor. It adds to the pain of your family who are innocent bystanders to the consciously-chosen, hurtful, very public, and tactless affair. All they need to hear is “It meant nothing, I promise you,” even if it’s just another lie. Don’t tell us how good it was.

And here is a comment by then Congressman Sanford on the Clinton affair:

"You know, if somebody's getting (oral sex) in the -- the Oval Office -- that's enough to tick off pretty much every soccer mom in America."

Again, do you have to put down an entire demographic? His wife is most likely a soccer mom. Again, I am offended by your insensitivity.

And this proclamation by Governor Sanford:

"NOW, THEREFORE, I, Mark Sanford, Governor of the Great State of South Carolina, do hereby proclaim October 15 – 21, 2006, as CELEBRATE MARRIAGE WEEK and October 19, 2006, as CELEBRATE YOUR SPOUSE DAY throughout the state and encourage all South Carolinians to recognize the happiness marriage can bring when taken seriously and entered into wisely."

Remember, this has been going for eight years, so he was at that time, not taking marriage seriously, and clearly not celebrating his spouse.

What a frikkin' hypocrite Pussy. (74dpze926j)

I'm Free, To Do What I Want...

2009-06-24T16:12:00.005-06:00

I got out, finally. No more cheating, lying, or abuse. Most importantly, the day-to-day degradation of my character, and the denial of my reality, are no longer a part of what I have to fend off in any given moment.

If the affair turned out to be many, if the sexual indiscretions included the full or even partial, spectrum of compulsive sexual behavior from porn to prostitutes, it is no longer about getting over the betrayal. One, maybe even two, infidelities do not make a sex addict, and there is some hope for the relationship. But you do know when it is more than just an affair. If there is a broader pattern at work, you'll need special kind of help.

If there is abuse, deceit, and other kinds of crazy-making behavior, that is making you feel as if you're life is spinning out of control, get thee to a diagnostician, preferably get your partner to a diagnostician, a therapist, or other mental health professional. Then read everything you can about narcissism, psychopathology, borderlines, or other personality disorders. Come to know what you're dealing with. Especially if you're dealing with all of the above and you're still thinking he/she is not that bad.

I'm just here to tell you that getting out of this relationship is, so far, the best thing I've ever done for myself. I have bad moments, where I slip into a kind of rumbling, physically draining resentment. But the moments pass, I learn from them, and I get back up again, feeling grateful, and feeling relief from "inevitable harm" and relentless assaults on my reality. If you know you're partner is having an affair, and denial is still the response you're getting, please get to a place where you can take stock of who you are and where you're headed, without the lies going on in the background. Save yourself from further harm.

Right now, for me, I'm fee, to do what I want...and it is everything I've hoped for. I wish the same for you. If you're dealing with these troublesome issues, if it's not just an affair, stop by for more help and resources at theotherbed.com

Lies, All Lies

2009-05-18T15:21:00.002-06:00

I have, in the course of educating myself about the topic of infidelity, come across many sad stories. The thing is, they almost always have the same crucial elements, and not necessarily the best elements of good storytelling, because few of us enjoy a tale without resolution. Forget happy endings, just resolution.

These are some of the pervasive elements of the story of infidelity. First of all, there is the lie. It could not happen without the lie, and when the affair is discovered, there are more lies. Those who have cheated have been known to look you straight in the eyes, and say, “It didn’t happen”, or “Nothing is going on.” It is not uncommon to hear this assertion with tears in their own eyes. That has happened to me, the tears, the pleading insistence. And as for the pleading by the one who has been betrayed, there are those who have gotten down on their knees and cried and begged for the truth, but still got a cold look in return, along with the cruel, but determined denial. The one who has strayed will go into couple’s counseling and even there, declare their innocence and then pretend that they are hoping for a reconciliation, for an end to the rift that has been created, the one they created.

The result of these lies, the relentless forms of denial, is that the one who is being deceived begins to doubt themselves, to question their very reality and their sanity. This is absolutely universal: We end up thinking we are crazy. The thought is, “My God, he is so sure, so adamant, what is wrong with me?” Therapists too, have been known to buy into the cheater’s pleasant demeanor and “willingness to work things out” in the face of the highly emotional, seemingly unstable behavior of the one who has been betrayed. Really, for any human being, it is difficult to encounter earnest and insistent lying and not want to believe or accept that they are being deceived so shamelessly, so effortlessly.

You might hear things like, “He says they never slept together.” Or, “He says he can’t help it if she calls him all the time.” The problem is, in most cases, the affair is being broadcast by them all over the place. You really don’t have to look too hard. No matter how much you want to believe what he/she said, trust your gut, don’t trust the unfaithful, because it is fundamental—they do not want you to know the truth, and that pretext takes precedence above all else.

So if you’re in the crazy-making stage of discovery, or even unwittingly remembering what was said during that painful time, and you so want to believe him/her, it is the oldest, most constant story in the book. You are being lied to. If you happen to have a more honest, remorseful partner, whom you’ve always trusted in the past, the rule still applies. If they truly love you, they can’t and won’t tell you the truth. If they really don’t care how you feel, or maybe they don’t want to end the affair, it is all the more easy to lie to you, and go on lying. It is a good idea to trust your senses, otherwise, you end up betraying yourself. If their lips are moving…

To This Other Woman: You Don't Get It.

2009-05-07T10:08:00.007-06:00

Your latest PM to me, and I really hope and expect that it will be the last, was a difficult thing to take to bed. However, after writing out my thoughts about what you have said, what you have done, and carefully considering my responses, I did sleep. I did not toss and turn. I wrote an angry response in my head, but discarded that because anger does not bring clarity, it protects us until we can mobilize our resources. I also wanted to refute every single accusation and characterization you made in your message, but I do not reprint without permission, so I discarded that notion.

But this morning, I am at peace with yesterday's post. I am out here, in the world wide web, writing about what I know and what I have experienced as a codependent to a sex addict who is also a narcissist. My words, my issues, my s**t, is out there for the world to judge, and accept or reject. I'm willing to take that risk. You are not. Sometimes, I, too, feel very alone, and it is from this shared perspective that I initially had compassion for your plight.

In my last response to one of your PMs, I apologized for characterizing a possible one-on-one message exchange as possibly “secretive and furtive”. Those are my words, not yours, so I can use them. I said that I respected your right to privacy, and allowed that the forum from which you were PMing me was a suitable place to talk about such things. I apologized. I conceded, that there was no need to comment on my blog, and left it at that. But then I realized, after revisiting this site, that in fact "secretive and furtive" were the right words. You did walk in the back door. You could have objected to the post here, even anonymously, but you chose to PM me again.

Why are you reading this blog? Have you read the title, observed the content and tone? Do you have any consideration for the 160 people who voted that they had been cheated on? I will use two words from your message because they are so nonspecific, so universal in sentiment, that they could be spoken by any man, woman, or child on the planet. Those words are, "my pain". I have compassion for said pain, but this is not the appropriate forum for you, and if you had compassion, you would know this. You can post here, or here, or here. Or, you can silently and furtively PM the authors as you have done with me.

According to yesterday’s sitemeter stats, since I abandoned this site years ago, approximately 3 people a day visit, and they probably end up here by accident. Nobody is reading thisexcept apparently, you. , There is absolutely no identifiable information about you in the post. I took out everything that was specific to you. I even declined to mention what the-man-in-your-life said to you about his wife, even though sadly, it is not specific to you. It is, in fact, such a cliché that if anybody does read that post, they will have a fairly good idea of what was said, because it is has been said before to many Other Women. The point being, alas, there is nothing singular or unique about what I have posted, and it could be about any Other Woman. This isn’t about you, this is about a disturbing interaction I had with a woman who would do well to look up the recovery term "special and unique."

My response to you has been sound, protective even. There are so many wonderful voices that I follow out here, and I interact with those voices, through comments on their blogs and in public forums, but I would never be so bold or "special and unique" to expect a private audience with any of them, because they have their pain to deal with, their life, and I respect that and understand that as just the way life is for all of us. In a first draft of this post, I included some words that were not kind. But I am not going to do that, I am going to be sober. Sobriety, to me, means being true to myself, trusting myself. It means not reacting but responding thoughtfully, and whenever necessary, in my own best interests. And to continue in that vein, you cannot take up anymore of my psychic energy. I get enough of that at home. So thank you for the opportunity to stand my ground, to trust myself, to be who I am and not be afraid of the consequences. I hope that someday you can let your story out there so that it can be exposed to the light of day. I'm sorry for your pain. I am not going to take down the post.

Close Enounter With The Other Woman

2009-05-06T17:00:00.004-06:00

I find I cannot read what I have written here. There is just so much pain, and in that I include the 160 people who voted "yes", to the question, "Have you been cheated on?" in the poll. That's way too many, way too much sorrow. I feel terminally guilty for abandoning this blog, for those who had the courage to reach out and share the anguish. When last I visited here, I scrolled down to the bottom of the page--I really was looking the other way, so as not to read--but I got snagged on this:

He's gone. Packed his dress shirts, too, so a nice dinner must be on the horizon with someone. Stormed out of here saying he was just going to work--he's a builder, and they don't wear dress shirts on the job. And I'm here alone, posting to my lonely blog, not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

God, what a hapless creature I was! She makes me ooze with contempt for that kind of woman. In fact, remembering that woman on the couch led to a brainspotting session, which I'll get to over at theotherbed. Brainspotting is a pretty effective tool for accessing and purging trauma. But for now, speaking of hapless creatures, courage, and contempt, if any of those 160 betrayed readers are still out there, I want to talk about the Other Woman (OW), not the OW in my husband's life, but one who PM'd me after reading theotherbed.

At first, I was drawn to her list of laments, as the man in her life, who is married, is a narcissist, and he has clearly treated her very badly. She kept sending me messages, like a few before I had a chance to respond. I asked if I could reprint her messages in the form of a discussion in an open forum, meaning on my blog, because I felt she was sending up all kinds of red flags, and I didn't want to just send her private messages, as if I was some kind of behind-the-scenes advice columnist. I wanted what I had to say to be a matter of public record, so that it was subject to scrutiny of those who have been there, too.

She recoiled at the idea, though I promised her complete anonmynity, even removing the condescending, pet name for the-man-in-her-life. More frantic messages ensued, more rationalization for the shabby way he behaved towards her. I wanted to help, but I wasn't happy or comfortable with the PM format, and told her so. I asked her to at least leave a comment with her more pressing concerns. That could easily be done anonymously, as most readers know. I wrote several replies, but basically withheld any kind of judgment or opinions, and refused to advise or therapatize. She was displeased with my responses, and summarily let me know that I really didn't understand her very well, if I saw "red flags", and I haven't heard from her since.

So then I was a little displeased. Everyone else who comes to a blog, if they find the subject matter interesting or relevant, they leave a comment if they're so inclined, or if they are hoping to connect. She refused to ask her questions out in the open. She was literally asking for my help, and was offended that I was uncomfortable with the private bitch sessions. Do you see that she came in the back door, my back door, as if she deserved special treatment and didn't wish to be seen? She mentioned that she lurked on most sites, and always corresponded privately with the authors, like WTF is wrong with me, that I won't participate? Sorry, but I started thinking of Glenn Close and "I will not be ignored!"

It didn't even occur to me when I first read the messages that she was the OW. I was just identifying with the pain of living with the abominable behavior of a narcissist. It was her technique that got under my skin. She felt the-man-in-her-life had a problem. (I promised to reveal nothing! So I'm keeping my word.) So she called his wife, to let her know, in what was supposedly a selfless act, for his own good. Sheesh! And she said what I think every married man must say to the OW in regard to his wife. I will not repeat it here, because I promised, but I know you know the flavor if not the actual content. There used to be a post entitled, "You're So Special", over at the NPD Forum. It was a little too long to be effective, but basically it was about how all the OW feel like they are the special ones. Get a grip.

I'm designing a T-shirt for my website. The tag line reads, "Blush, if you're the other woman". Really, it takes two, so if women stuck together, we'd just have to worry about prostitutes. Prostitutes don't insinuate themselves into the marriage or the family. They get the money, do the thing, and get out. They don't hang around waiting for more.

Hmm...I'm sorry. A Mother's day rant on one blog, the Other Woman rant on the other. Must be this spring thing we've got going on here. I'm just asking, does any of this piss you off?

Turns Out, Infidelity Was Actually Sexual Addiction

2009-04-24T10:30:00.003-06:00

It's been years because I fell off a cliff, devastated by yet more affairs, more denials, and then I started to notice the abuse. I apologize for ignoring your comments, especially those who were hurting so deeply and dared to express that here in a public forum, my forum. I was at the bottom of that cliff in a heap, and I couldn't help anyone, not even myself.

I invite you to come over to my new blog, theotherbed.com. It's about surviving codependency to sexual addiction, complicated by living with narcissism (NPD). The story was so much bigger than I imagined, could have possibly imagined, because there was no context for the mind-blowing scenarios that came to pass.

You might come to see that there's hope, a road to follow, and you might find validation and kindred spirits--a community of survivors. I just started this endeavor, so right now it's a community of one, but I hope you'll join me. There are links there to books that will help you understand, music that might elicit familiarity, and blogs written by others who have been there and back. I'll moderate the comments this time, there and here.

I have to say that it blows me away that I was talking about gratitude, even and way back then. It's a good place to be.

Losing Your Best Friend

2006-05-19T13:08:00.000-06:00

He referred to her as his special friend. Friend with benefits, of course. He told me this, about the friendship, to diminish the impact of infidelity, because he was bitter when the affair was discovered. What's so wrong about having a friend, he protested? Well, yes, a friend with whom he had sex.

All the times I was barraged by images of them having sex, all the motel rooms they visited, all the long lunches and coffee breaks, even the trip they had planned to Mexico, don't compare, in the end, to destroying the friendship with the lies and the abuse. I had PTSD like symptoms for quite awhile, in that I had intrusive and unbidden images wash over me even while I was having lunch with a friend, or driving in my car, or as I fell asleep. I did some research on the web and found out that this was a common occurrence. I didn't feel safe anywhere, because the images and memories surfaced when I least expected them, when I was otherwise distracted and not even thinking about the affair. So there is no doubt in my mind that the sweaty sex was a source of torment that persisted even when I was trying to move on.

But he didn't just lie to me about all the phone calls, about the missing time and all the rest. He yelled at me. Every time he was confronted by evidence, when I pleaded with him to tell me the truth, he would yell at me violently and tell me I was crazy. My feelings, the pain he was causing, didn't matter. I didn't matter. A friend doesn't lie and betray another friend. It was the lies and the total disregard for me and my shattered emotional life that did me in. Sex with another person can easily be and often is impersonal. It hurts, but you can get over it. His lies, his "friendship", his secrets, were with her, not with me. And I had always thought I was his best friend of many years, through many joyful and tragic circumstances.

How do you get over the trashed friendship? This may be the greatest, the most irreparable damage.

Hypersexuality and Other Forms of Compensation

2006-05-16T13:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I'm right smack-dab in the middle of infidelity hell. What's the truth and what's a lie? Learning to trust myself is a concept I keep coming back to over and over again. Leave a comment if you're intested in the never-ending saga. Otherwise, I'll stick to the generic and keep the rest to myself.

When you first suspect that an affair is going on, and oftentimes after the disclosure of infidelity, you could end up second guessing yourself and trying to overcompensate for the current state of affairs, no pun intended. Many partners go into panic mode and try to reclaim the one who has strayed. Hypersexuality is common, with the notion being sex as intimacy, sex as bringing them back into the fold. He had sex with someone else; now you want to show him that you, too, have a few tricks up your sleeve. It's a way of saying, "See? We are connected, too. Don't forget that connection." You may dress more provacatively, lose weight, become a gourmet chef, or offer to take up sky diving together-or at the very least, learn how to tango. But if you read my first post on blame, my hope is that you'll realize that it is rarely your fault. Becoming superwoman just makes you crazy and is demeaning in the long run.

If you didn't do any of those things to begin with, you're only feeding the never-ending hole that caused the affair. Start with where you were when you first fell in love. Did he need any of those qualities or skills when you first met? The hole was already there. You didn't see it. You just felt good and he felt good when you were the one to fill it. But you can't just plaster up the hole in the drywall and hang a picture over it. All your attempts at overcompensating are just new artwork over the crumbling mud. He needs to find something besides another woman (or man) to repair that ache of a hole. And you need to refrain from the obsession that makes him the center of your life. Stop fighting for him and fight for yourself. Don't reclaim him, reclaim your life. Believe it or not, you can both do those things while still in the relationship, it just takes a commitment. You both need help to get back on your feet again.

After the panic subsides, you will get angry and resentful. Then what will you do with all that frilly lingerie, the tongue stud, and the ylang-ylang massage oil? There's nothing wrong with spicing up your life together, just don't do it in panic mode, and don't do anything that makes you feel compromised, and don't do all those things for the wrong reasons. Reinstate integrity. Not rigidity, but integrity. Know who you are and where you're going, and he'll either follow or lag way behind, and if the self is intact, you'll have no problem deciding whether you want to wave good-bye from where you are or give him time to catch up.

The Blame Game After the Affair

2006-05-11T13:42:00.000-06:00

After disclosure, or after the bomb is dropped, several things can happen. You could find yourself with a remorseful, contrite, apologetic, tearful partner who wants to begin the work involved in the healing process. Oh, there will still be scenes of often hysterical recrimination followed by more apologies. And it will still feel bad for who knows how long. But the remorse and the willingness to work it out are a good sign and can indicate hope for the future.

If disclosure is followed by a cold silence, hostility, defensiveness, and an attitude that says, "There, I told you; now get over it", then the course of the relationship could be doomed. And this happens. Not all cheaters get that they have caused some serious damage, and either they resent that they've been discovered and the affair ended, or they're somehow certain that you're to blame, and now you've gone and ruined their fun, and they don't really want to talk about it much. This is tough to take. The pain caused by the betrayal is monumental but sometimes that pain is compounded by a bad attitude that won't quit.

The first scenario, of apologies and contrition, can be dealt with in various ways. Being sorry is not enough, and you can't forget, so you move on and the relationship ends. Or you decide to stay together and work it out. This is where the blame could shift and the one betrayed could become the obstacle that cannot be overcome. Be careful, or the discovery that you've been wronged could be the last discovery you ever make. Though there is an intial stage of crying and screaming, accusations and disbelief, this eventually has to fade and be replaced with gradual acceptance. I'm not talking about total forgiveness, which may never come, I'm talking about toning down the never-ending accusations. If you keep it up, and the unfaithful one is truly repentent, you run the risk of becoming abusive yourself. I'm guilty of this particular sin. The pain of discovery was so great, more than I could manage, and rage became my only outlet. But the truth is, it wears both of you down, and extinguishes whatever hope has been kindled along the way.

Counseling seems to be the only way to vent your feelings, while feeling safely contained in a tastefully decorated room with a couch and a couple of chairs. If you can't contain the situation at home, and both of you are constantly feeling wounded and spent by all the volatile emotions, maybe the agreement should be made that you only talk about it in therapy, at least in the beginning. Over time, you'll learn how to talk about it in a constructive way on your own. The sad truth is, eventually you do have to stop talking about it, because no amount of beating the cheater over the head is going to make it all go away, as much as you'd like it to. If you can't tone it down, can't get over it, and can't stop with the recriminations, maybe it is time to end the relationship. You, too, have to be willing to make it work with the partner who has humbly and earnestly expressed their regret and continues to make apologies.

Ultimately, whether your partner is cold or contrite, you can only work on yourself. You didn't cause it, you can't change them or the fact that it happened, and you can't control the situation. It happened. It hurts, bitterly. But in the end, you can only manage your own feelings and reactions and lift yourself up and out of the mire. Don't turn victimization into a lifestyle. Victims tend to revictimize others and the cycle repeats and never ends.

If you're confronted with the second scenario, hostility, defensiveness, and the reluctance to talk about it, don't spend one valuable second trying to change them. Still, you have to work on yourself; build yourself up even though you feel damaged and just not enough. And when you do feel strong enough, and if you haven't managed to melt any cold hearts along the way, you'll find the strength to leave. If the bad attitude persists, you'll be severely compromised as long as you're in the relationship.

There is another common response to the news that you have been cheated on. It involves hypersexuality and becoming a super woman. I'll talk more about that in the next post.

A Few Words About Blame

2006-05-10T16:35:00.000-06:00

"GOOD PEOPLE in good marriages are having affairs." This is the first sentance in the book, NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,
by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. If good people in good marriages are having affairs, then first of all, you cannot affair-proof your marriage, and secondly, you can't blame the victim.

Infidelity can happen to anyone. You can be fit and thin and funny and kind and sexy, and you can still be betrayed. You could greet your husband everyday dressed in Saran wrap with a drink in your hand, and he could still stray. By the same token, you could let yourself go physically, be a bitch, and not clean the house, and he would remain faithful. I heard a saying somewhere that went something like this: Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you someone who's tired of sleeping with her. To wit: Halle Berry. That's not to say that her husband was tired of sleeping with her; it's just more likely that he couldn't stop himself from sleeping with others. Sexual addiction, as I mentioned before, is often behind many instances of infidelity. If it's not addiction to the sex per se, it could also be a relationship or love addiction. Either way, other women become the drug of choice, and it has nothing to do with the behavior or appearance of the wife or girlfriend.

Even if you do bitch and moan, and you have gained a ton of weight, and you only go through the motions in bed, all these things can be worked out without resorting to going outside the relationship. You can communicate and possibly get counseling and you could talk about your fears, and your spouse could talk about his disappointment and concerns. You could work on it, both as a couple and individually. There's always that possibility and that hope.

The key is when your spouse or significant other steps over the line and makes the decision to cheat, or to allows it to happen, because of a hole or a need in and of himself. He is lacking, or missing something. It doesn't have to be something lacking in the relationship, or something missing in you. Some people just walk around with gaping holes in their psyches and an affair is a short-term solution or fix. Because of his background and baggage, he was primed to seek out other relationships when you met him. His hope back then was that you would fill that hole which is a lousy way to begin or sustain a relationship, but it is the reason a lot of people get together. It just doesn't work that way. If there is a way to affair-proof a relationship it must be that both people are secure within themselves and know how to nurture themselves. Both people, not just one. If only one of you or neither of you are able to meet your own emotional needs, then there is an affair waiting to happen.

Don't blame yourself if your partner is unfaithful. Whatever you did or didn't contribute to the situation could have been addressed within the relationship without outside interference, but possibly with professional outside help. Blame whatever is behind that crucial decision to step over the line and into an affair. Regardless of the circumstances, something is lacking in the one who chooses this route. Good people, good marriages. Good people and bad people have aches that no partner and no marriage can assuage. If you have been betrayed, you, too, will have that ache so you, too, will need to nurture yourself. Take care of yourself, always, or you could be the one who strays and looks for others to make you feel better. It never works. You have to take care of yourself. That doesn't mean you're selfish. It means you have self-respect.

Next time we'll talk about the blame that goes around after the disclosure of the affair. Then, depending on your behavior, you might have to start pointing the finger a little bit more towards yourself. The responsibility for sustaining the relationship rests with both of you. Blame shifts.

Agitation-The Soap Opera Continues

2006-05-08T15:21:00.000-06:00

I was going to finish a post I started on blame today, but the day is proving to be bigger and badder than I can manage. It would have probably sounded pedantic to anyone in the middle of things, like I am now.

One of the "saag paneer" stories I heard Saturday was that she had only called once, the day before, and he hadn't picked up because he's trying to avoid her. Then on Sunday, after our painful blow-up on Saturday, I discovered that she had called 3 times and he had, in fact spoken to her. I found this out because he offered to call her just to show me how pissed off he was that she was calling, but instead what I witnessed was him being sweet and apologetic, and they just couldn't get off the phone. He cared more about mitigating her feelings than mine, and I was sitting right next to him. The phone call was a disaster, but she did make it clear that they had talked.

Then this morning, the phone bill was available online, so I further discovered that she had been calling all month. He has nonsensical lies on tap, and so he spews. The kicker is, when he's backed into a corner, when any other normal, thinking human being would think he'd been caught, he gets abusive and starts yelling at me. He acts like I'm stupid for not believing his lies, and they are truly stupid lies along the lines of a gradeschooler saying the dog ate it, really.

If anybody out there is reading this, I'm looking for the courage to end this on again, off again, 28 year relationship. On some other day, I'll talk about emotional fusion. It's a sicko interdependent relationship and I'm smack dab in the middle. Once I gain some wholesome detachment from the events of the last few days, I'll post some more generic, useful information, about blame, codepency, and emotional fusion. Trust me, I've read it all and experienced it all, and there is much to learn. Wish me strength! He'll be here any minute supposedly to pick up his stuff and then go to his SA meeting. He's supposed to get his 6 month chip tonight. Hmmm...I put a lot of stock in 12 steppin', but right now I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Reach out and leave a comment!

Distracted

2006-05-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Sorry it took me so long to put up a fresh post, for any of you who have found your way to this site. (Thanks for commenting, Maria99. For some unfathomnable reason, blogger won't let me publish this one, so I will here:

God bless you.
God bless your blog.
Thanks for addressing these issues...you are NOT alone.

I don't even know how you found me! I'm not even indexed yet since I'm less than a week old. But future comments will be published.)

Anyway, I haven't posted anything because I've been a bit distracted by the fact that my husband's girlfriend's number showed up on his phone again.

We have named his BS stories "saag paneer stories" because one time, he called me at 5 and said he was going to pick up some Indian food for dinner, then turned off his phone and came home over 2 hours later and belligerently stated that they didn't have any saag paneer so he had to wait around for it. I guess they had to pick the spinach from their garden or have it flown in from India. If you know anything about Indian food, you know that's a little bit like saying he went to pick up Chinese food, but they didn't have any rice. Sometimes, even he concedes that his stories and lies are beyond credible.

So now he's telling me another "saag paneer story" about why she called him. So he's gone, and I don't really care if he's coming back. I'm feeling oddly calm about the whole thing, but that will pass. He left Wednesday night, too, but he came back. Why does he keep coming back? More to the point, why do I allow it? But that's for another post. I had two posts saved as drafts, but couldn't get around to finishing them and publishing them, what with all the agitation going on around here.

He's gone. Packed his dress shirts, too, so a nice dinner must be on the horizon with someone. Stormed out of here saying he was just going to work--he's a builder, and they don't wear dress shirts on the job. And I'm here alone, posting to my lonely blog, not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I just want to leave you with one thought: Trust yourself.

Cheating 4 Ways

2006-05-02T11:40:00.000-06:00

{To simplify, and because I'm writing from the experience of the wife who was cheated on, I will refer to cheaters as "he". I know that women cheat. My husband's most recent girlfriend was a cheater. It's not a bias or a judgment. It's just easier and cleaner than continually writing "he or she". I hope that men who have found themselves in this position (there is no female equivalent term for cuckold) will read and take heart as well.}

The way I see it, there are 4 common experiences with infidelity. Okay, maybe there are more, but I want to focus on these 4, and the subsequent fallout:

~There's the one night stand. This hurts, but if you found out about it and your marriage or relationship is otherwise strong, most likely your spouse will beg for your forgiveness and promise "never again". Maybe he'll even cry right along with you. Without a doubt, most marriages can survive the one-time event. There's still a lot of work, apologizing, forgiveness, and trust-building to do, but you can eventually move on for so many reasons: "It didn't mean anything." "I was drunk and out of control." "It just happened," which is a close second to, "One thing led to another ."Or even, "SHE came on to ME." It's a painful, nasty, blip, but think of it in the context of time, and all the other good things you've shared and/or love about your spouse or lover.

~There's the single but drawn out affair. This could be dangerous. If this is uncharacteristic behavior, your spouse or lover could decide he's in love, and your relationship could face a serious crisis. It's a crisis whether he's in love or not, but if he comes to his senses and wants your relationship to work, it can be saved. Again, time and history, and the willingness of both partners to work at it are crucial factors. You'll probably need counseling, which is a safe forum for airing your grievances and dealing with his guilt. A third party is almost always necessary and useful. The topic is too combustible for just the two of you.

~Two or three affairs. This is messy, to say the least. Most relationships will not survive. It can be done, but you're caught between the naivete and confusion of the single affair and the pain and blame involved in multiple affairs, which we'll discuss next. I would say that this situation implies the most difficulty within the relationship, and shared blame. It's messy because you really can't blame the victim in all the other scenarios, but unless your spouse or lover is headed down the addiction path, there are usually two people creating the dynamics here. All other postures of blaming the victim will be discussed in a future post, because it's complicated, and a controversial issue all on it's own.

~Multiple affairs usually indicate a sexual, love, or relationship addiction. This is a whole different ballgame, complete with persistent lies and often abusive denials. Believe it or not, even this kind of relationship can survive, and maybe even should survive if it's dealt with in the language and parameters of an addictive behavior. It really can be the same as being married to or involved with an alchoholic, it's just that the drug of choice is in the dynamics of the unfaithful relationship. Protest all you want, but there are actually multiple victims in this scenario. The unfaithful partner must get help and be ready and willing to get help, most often in the form of therapy and a twelve-step program, where he will meet others who are struggling with the same issues. Both of you must ultimately give up the need to control the situation. You can't cure it or change it, you can only help yourself. If your spouse isn't ultimately overwhelmed with shame around his behavior then he's probably a sociopath or a narcissist and you need to get your ass out of the relationship, fast.

Something to ponder and assess. Where do you fit in, and what can be done about it?

This is Just the Beginning

2006-04-28T15:23:00.000-06:00

Infidelity: Two Burning Questions

There are two major questions you’ll be hoping to answer when seeking information about infidelity. The first is, “How can I tell if my partner is cheating?” And if you find out that he or she is cheating, then you’ll want to know, “Can this relationship survive?”

There is an article out there somewhere that offers over 180 ways to tell if your lover is cheating. Heaven help the one who’s really working overtime and planning a surprise party for you. Do you really need over 180 tip-offs to make the case? Actually, if you’ve observed the right 6 clues, all the rest is just more information that either augments your already strong suspicion or confuses the issue.

1. You’ll read this one in any literature about infidelity: your gut instinct is powerful and it’s where you start. You’ll need more than that to preserve your sanity, but trust yourself and then look and listen for more.

2. This is about their behavior towards you. They may be more affectionate, more distant, more preoccupied, or even hostile. So the change can be from one extreme to the other, but the important distinction is that the behavior is markedly different and inexplicably vacillates.

3. Your partner’s appearance will become an issue. They will dress better, workout more, and watch their weight. The same thing applies to their car. A heretofore messy car will get cleaned up and looking spiffy.

4. There will be a paper trail. Check the mobile phone bill for frequent calls. Check the bank statement and the credit card receipts. A pattern will emerge that will be undeniable if you’re being honest with yourself.

5. If your partner feels guilty or is trying to divert suspicion, you will receive unexpected gifts and/or flowers. If you’re already suspicious, you’ll experience a sinking feeling when they surprise you with something. You’ll feel conflicted because they’ve done something nice for you, but you’ll know.

6. They will work longer hours or there will be missing time. Coming home later than usual and you can’t get a hold of them at odd times? They have to find time whenever they can to carry out the affair. It has to come from somewhere.

All of these behaviors and signs add up to make a pretty powerful case that someone is cheating on you. You start with the gut instinct and then discover the rest. Really, even the most clever cheater broadcasts the affair unwittingly.

Can the relationship survive? Yes and no. Yes, if you both genuinely want it to work out. The difficulties arise when only one of you wants to make the effort necessary to continue. Trust can be rebuilt. Blame will subside, as will painful and intrusive imaginings and memories. But it takes work and time. So both parties need to commit to that process. The unfaithful partner may have too much guilt (or too much pleasure!) and not be able to step up to the plate. Those who have been betrayed may not be able to forgive or forget, or allow the unfaithful one to forget—which can further destroy the relationship. If the relationship was strong at any point and there is a will, than there is a way to save it. There’s more, of course, but now you know enough to make a case and begin to trust your intuition, and you know what can be done if your worst fears turn out to be true. Don’t always expect a confession, but that in itself is a good sign. You may have to forge ahead and make decisions based upon what you know so far, without the benefit of having your reality validated by your partner. Trust yourself.

About the Author: If you want to know more about my experience with infidelity, read my book, Who's a Loser?. If you're in the job market, visit her job blog at I need a job. You need a job? Email her for more.

Source: www.isnare.com